Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
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walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
I saw a TikTok where someone realized the filter for the air purifier they’d been using for months had the plastic on it the whole time
I thought “who could be this dumb?” but decided to check mine just for giggles
And guys you’re not going to believe this but….
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
WestJet now charges $25 to book a flight by phone. But it’s way more if you want to book a flight by plane.
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
Imagine sex with me – no, more hot dogs
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
9:30 in the morning, the woman behind me in line says to her toddler “No, I don’t think they have ice cream right now, nobody eats ice cream this early in the morning,” just as I turn around holding a giant cup of vanilla soft serve.
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
Today the vet told me “you have a really good dog” and I said I know she’s perfect and holds my mental health on her little shoulders and she laughed nervously and said “oh no, that’s pretty heavy” and i was like damn dude, ok??? you can tell, huh? Alright calm down lol geez
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.