Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day as life guard]

guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!

me: *moving my arms* like this but in water

I would love to watch a documentary about my life, because I am VERY confused

And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.

Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch

[God Creating Raccoons]

God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food

not sure why we don’t use this thing more often

My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.

I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.

Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?

me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️

*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.

Me: [fails Captcha test]

Captcha: haha goptcha

It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”

My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him

How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.

Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it

Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested

[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.

Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.

Who hurt you?

Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.

Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours

Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.

WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense

Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon

Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope

If you’re wondering what a mom brain is I just looked for the milk in the microwave.

BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern

toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.

Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’

I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.

My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.

Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.

Cellmate: What are you in for?

Me: The free food and healthcare

I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment

*The British. The British need to hear this