Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Police on bikes arresting someone:

“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”

I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.

when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast

My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.

just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears

I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle Sam

Dr Seuss’s CPA

The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.

I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.

Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.

Thanks for following

Me: I need to pee

Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh

Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump

“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”

Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.

My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.

Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*

While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.

No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair

“Call me crazy bu..”

You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.

Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot

You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.

My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.

Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?

If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”

Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy

Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no

I milked the cow

“We don’t have a cow”

the neighbors’ cow then

“Their cat?”

Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo

“Meow”

Ah shoot

I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715

windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol

We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds

Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news

Me: oh no

Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad