Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
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*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
you’re supposed to store treasure in your cleavage that’s why it’s called a chest.
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.