Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
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The waitstaff is making TikTok’s with my food at this restaurant I can see them doing it please I’m starving
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
Yes, but it was never about money
I love seeing cute puppy and dog videos where they’re loving getting pampered and groomed…I’ve personally never experienced a cool dog like that.
Mine always act like I’m about to sacrifice them to the gods.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
nicole kidman being in a film called babygirl is actually perfect cause it’s like another version of her last name
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.