Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
You Might Also Like
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
i love modern commerce
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
Most people think “as the crow flies” means ‘straight’, but it actually means ‘like an asshole.’
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
Finally!
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
Allegiant airlines charges for a glass of water but you know what’s free? Ice. Now we wait.
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
Got upgraded to first class for the first time ever and it’s CRAZY. Free booze and brunch. Bigger TVs. Comfy seats with tons of room. An extra page in the safety manual that says in the case of a crash landing we’re entitled to eat the passengers in coach
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
If you’re alone on Thanksgiving, venmo me $25 and I’ll call and ask you when are you gonna get a “real” job and give me grandchildren.
At the aquarium yesterday, my kid asked, “The sharks aren’t allowed to eat the other fish, right?” So if anyone asks, aquarium sharks are vegetarian
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am