Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
‘m developing a new fragrance for introverts
It’s called “Leave me the fuh cologne”
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
me: do you think he’ll ever walk again
wife: [recording baby’s first steps] yes
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
