Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
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15mos are the cutest humans in the world but also the most boring. Girl, we’ve been putting this baby doll to bed for 23 mins, please
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
My workout goals are simple: I’d just like to be able to get up off the floor without looking like a turtle trying to flip itself back over.
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.