Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
You Might Also Like
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
Them: Don’t let someone live rent-free in your head.
Me: They’re right.
*sends invoices to all the jerks from my past that I keep thinking about*
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home