Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
You Might Also Like
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu