Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze

Me: please put your pants back on

Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?

Wife: Yes

Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards

Wife:

Me: *crying* I get it now, babe

Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”

“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”

-my phone

“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”

My tumbleweed is never where I left it.

me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon

if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real

Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.

eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys

Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)

Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!

*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*

Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.

Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…

how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year

Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.

[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]

last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window

I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.

Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?

My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.

stop it stop it don’t cook him stop

I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.

Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..

My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.

There is no Hotdog Bell here.

I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.

It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.

I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.

I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you

Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something

so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning

me: i wish i could have sex before i die

genie: granted

me: [873 years old] motherfu