Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
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Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
How dude HOW?!
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
Florida man
told my husband I needed a compliment before bed and he called me “steadfast and chaste” I….
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
fourth time’s the charm
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.