Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.

Wooden Horsie 🐴

Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.

duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?

Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.

God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.

“This almost never happens,” I apologise to my date as the gates of hell open up and a kangaroo hops out.

I am patiently waiting for your email

I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.

Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.

[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.

Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.

We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.

Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?

God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.

Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.

THE AUDACITY. 😤

COP: Know why I stopped you?

MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?

COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken

If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.

They should let you spend one night in a house before you buy/rent it, just to make sure it’s haunted.

Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?

Why I hate technology:

Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.

“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”

Him: I’m an animal person

Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?

when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating

*finds a corpse in the house*

Oh great, more cleaning.

Her: I need advice.

Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.

It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.

Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.

To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’

I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, access

Then check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check it

I can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)

God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.

Angel: What do you call it?

God: A toddler.

TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent

If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.

If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead