Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
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[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
It’s the ORDER of mankind’s accomplishments that fascinate me. In 1969, we put men on the moon. In 1970, we put wheels on luggage.
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE