Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
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One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
The next time you’re hesitant to call or email your elected official because your issue doesn’t seem important enough…
Just remember how many times they texted you begging for $5
A manager I worked with when I worked in fast food told us.
There was this one kid who didn’t show up for work. He ditched work often, so the manager called around, and couldn’t get anyone to fill in his shift, so she had to fill it for him.
A few hours into his shift, the dude ditching SHOWS UP, with his friends, and orders food from that manager. She fired him on the spot
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
“How is the job search going?” first of all, that is a violent question. And it hurts me, by the way. And second, how the hell should I know
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too