Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.

My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.

judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing

8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*

8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:27am: *takes a shower*

9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*

9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*

If you see something, say something.

My dog: i got this

[first date]

her: do u like cats or dogs better

me: [looking at menu] what page are u on

I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”

Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.

My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.

If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.

I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me

Ya I miss me too

A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time

Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.

[hosting a party]

Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.

Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*

Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?

I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.

Son: Daddy, when does this end?

Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death

Son: I mean when does this party end?

Me: 7.30

me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally

My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.

Me: I can’t sleep

My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now

Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?

My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.

Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??

Starbucks employee:

Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?

wife: what r u doing

me: shredding my birth certificate

wife: why

me: *starts disappearing* it’s working

if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”

Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?

Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore

Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio

Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.

I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.

Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.

oh good, now I can stop drinking

my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her