[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
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NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
trivia
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.