[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
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ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.