Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.

twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.

I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book

I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.

Him: So tell me a little about yourself.

Me: But this was going so well…

cats have been bothering their humans since the dawn of time

Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*

Noah: nope.

“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.

I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke

It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.

Pilot: we’re gonna crash

Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count

Her: yeah?

Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*

“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks

I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married

Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so

Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack

when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”

Using gorilla glue on my next relationship

I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.

[home schooling, day 1]

Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.

I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it

Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.

I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.

[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp

the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards

Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”

Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.

me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death

doctor: you have a sprained ankle

My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself

Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.