Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
You Might Also Like
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
I’m hunting wabbits…
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food