Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
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It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
(putting my jacket over a woman’s shoulders) I’m actually really cold now haha. It’s ok though. Oh wow it’s super cold. Oh my god
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
What do we want?
“More existentialist jokes!”
When do we want them?
“Why?”
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
its weird that when seltzer goes flat it doesn’t turn into regular water. you can still taste that something was Done To It
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”