Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
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if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
Sherlock Holmes and the Case of Who Keeps Pooping In My Driveway At Midnight I Know It’s A Person I Know What Human Poop Looks Like But Who Would Do That And Why Why The Driveway Exactly Plus Each Time They Poop A Little Further Than My Hose Will Reach So It’s Harder to Clean
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
i get pissed off when i see things in my fridge starting to go bad like its the fridge. i feel like things should last forever in there. if i wanted you to go bad i wouldve kept you in my pantry
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
Guessing they were Navy Seals in a past life
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
Exercise won’t cure your depression, but it will make you hotter than your ex. Which is sort of the same thing.
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.