Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally

Me: ok

Boss: like… don’t tho

My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*

Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”

INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.

I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn

If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.

Person: How are you going to get over this curb?

Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.

Me: *using a hammer while demonstrating some diy* Now, you never want to use a hammer for this

Thank you Ortega, these tacos are gonna rock

It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?

Gift wrap? Why not!

wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?

Calm down shouty man. I didn’t “tell” my toddler to throw chicken nuggets at joggers. She did it herself.

“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”

When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.

Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.

Inspirational tweet.

Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.

Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart

[doorbell]

“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”

*closes door*

If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or

Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years

BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.

karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]

The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again

Well, maybe we should get rid of it

The plant? But we just got it

. . .Haha yeah, the plant

If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss

I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.

He says it’s ok.

Me: How was school?

Toddler: Candice has a different mom.

Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.

what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?

I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.

Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.

Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by