Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.

When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.

Me: is this dishwasher safe?

Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not

in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside

on a hike: I want to pet that bear

Boom, boom, ching!

Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.

Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.

I’m only drinking a lot of beer tonight because I need the room in the fridge.

Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.

Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.

Flying is a luxury experience in the same way as getting a colonoscopy is one.

You realize you are privileged to be able to afford it, but that doesn’t make it feel good.

Deathbed confession

Me: We’re bankrupt

Him: What? How?

Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time

All of these stories about missing campers.

Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.

*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch around

Are these the stairs that guy dragged you down?

If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice

if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back

me: what makes you angry

pirate: when someone steals my p

“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”

I’m about to lose 20 pounds.

*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.

[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.

I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.

[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop

The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works

Relax. Luxuriate rebelliously.

I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents

Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?

-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family

My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.

We take our lazy seriously around here.

Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”

“Is it in yet???”

-My ATM, mocking me.

[First Date]

Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener

Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”

Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok

Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice

Me: I’m gonna tell em