Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
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If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
My safe word is Worcestershire
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
The difference between a songbird and a hummingbird is that one of them knows the lyrics.
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
My Husband said I really shouldn’t use my SUV as a laundry hamper or shoe storage.
He hasn’t said anything about the fries between the seats, I guess a cafeteria is fine.
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.