Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
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Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
God has abandoned us.
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years