Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
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Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
Always
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, βYou know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?β And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
Me: Iβm only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: Thatβs good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldnβt be trusted with $200 when I was 18
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
My 11yo said if it wasnβt for him I wouldnβt have a twitter account, and Iβm just glad heβs finally taking some responsibility.
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
I didnβt even know Canada existed until Twitter.
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
Itβs been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. Iβm about to attempt a feat I havenβt dared for as long.
Iβm about to put on a white shirt.