“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
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When you’re tweeting something ridiculous that’s happened in the American election, please clearly mark whether it’s real or a joke.
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
That time I was late for work and the boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed to call people that any more.”
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
Taking a little nap while I wait for the driver in front of me to realize the light has turned green
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
GPS randomly stopped working on my phone this morning. Have accepted that I live here now. In the woods. Two blocks from home.
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.