Ice skating is like walking in cursive
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I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
Festive toon…
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
The cake is mightier than the sword.
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
Mirror, mirror on the wall like, wtf is your problem? Why do you keep staring at me?
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
