Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit

I don’t hate children, just yours.

Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket

*watches him dance*

*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.

For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.

I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS

– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?

The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.

The migraine that follows.

My husband accused me of not being affectionate, so I kissed the FedEx guy.

I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.

I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.

Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but

Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.

Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.

[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician

I removed my birthday from Facebook, and now I keep fooling people randomly by saying that it’s my birthday today.

And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year

A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .

Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.

When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.

10,000 chores when all you need is a nap

A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”

Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.

Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”

I feel like once your going to these lengths you can spring for separate room for the toilet

I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.

If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.

*steps on Lego*

*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*

*throws all Legos away*

*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*

A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.