Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am

dracula: *bites neck*

me: oh, I should probably warn you-

dracula: *dies*

me: i am 50% garlic bread

Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.

me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately

doctor: can you give me an example

me: of what

cover letters are so embarrassing. why am i writing a love letter to this email job

I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone

What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?

cat: i brought you this dead mouse

me: no thanks

cat: then please accept this barf

me: i will not

cat: am i displeasing you?

me: absolutely

cat: [eyes narrow] good

Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!

*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after

basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun

You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.

If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen

Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets

¯_(ツ)_/¯

[ explaining The Plan ]

jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs

god: look man, these ppl are idiots

Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.

Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.

Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.

My coworker just told me this funny joke.

A web developer and an SEO expert walk into a bar, bars, nightclub, pubs, tavern, beer, alcohol, drinks, alcoholic beverages, bars in my area, places to drink.

howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow

everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.

My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.

“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”

“You mean a shotgun”

“No not yet”

My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.

5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me

4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube

My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.

Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…

Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts

My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.

If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.