“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
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My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
2am Sunday morning and bam! it’s 1am again
Me: what the hell…I already did this hour
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
[first day at ninja school]
*wonders if i’m in the right room as i can’t see or hear anyone else*
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
[Taking my date on a motorbike ride] Ok, so when I put the coin in the slot, you hit the start button
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.