“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
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[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
◾️
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
Someone has left me a voicemail. I don’t know what to do. Open the phone app? The contacts? Do I turn on the TV?
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him