Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
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Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
