Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
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Look Ma, no handle on things
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
My wife bought me a hollowed out dictionary to use as a piggy bank. I never use it. I love spending money so much, I can’t put it into words.
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
[watching Disney movie]
Daughter: this movie is dumb.
Me: why?
Daughter: the bad guy just told the good guy everything he was gonna do through song.
Me: yeah lol.
Daughter: when I’m a villain I will simply not sing my evil plan out loud for all to hear.
Me: smart-wait what?
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid