Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
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I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
Me redecorating every room in my mind
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
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The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
Changed my ex’s name in my phone contacts because hearing Siri say, “Your lack of self respect is calling,” while I’m driving is hilarious every single time
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
Tabasco is pretty much the worst hot sauce widely available but when you need Tabasco specifically nothing else will do
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?