Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
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I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
God: welcome to heaven, you will spend eternity visiting with your loved ones
Me: I was told there would be sleep
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
Now this is my first time cooking poisonous blowfish, so go easy on me.
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
Me: I’ve learned so much from my mistakes.
Also me: Let’s make a few more
hear me out : pockets for your socks
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
I challenged a man who left his shopping trolley in the adjoining space and he replied “someone else will move it” before walking away. He was right, I did – and attached it to his driver’s side door with a cable tie
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
The phrase “herding cats” was definitely invented by a teacher who works with 5th/6th graders.
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks