Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
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I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
I see a guy with a sharktooth necklace.
Me: Holy shit! That’s the sharpest part of the shark. Who is this mysterious and brave hunk?
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
I camp so other people don’t have to.
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
I have to find a way to get in on one of those government programs where they spend $1.7 billion dollars and wind up planting like 7 trees
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
Of course I have critical thinking skills I’m thinking critically of you right now.
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
[carrying my bratty kids into the hospital]
hi, I would like to make a return
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born