Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.

CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*

All of my best ideas involve jail time.

Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…

…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.

Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.

For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.

Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.

(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside

“What’s your favourite childhood memory?”

Not paying bills.

I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.

ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means

SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy

Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased

there was an aquarium projector in the MRI today and they had to pause the scan twice to say “please stop moving your head to watch the fish.” i am 31 years old

For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”

“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped

He challenged me to eat just one chip.

So I had two. Dozen.

“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly

I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.

Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*

You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.

Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.

Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.

Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?

We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod

I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.

I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.

There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.

All the characters in the 2006 sci-fi comedy ‘Idiocracy’ wear Crocs because the costume designer thought they were futuristic and too ugly to ever become popular in real life

Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.

A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.