Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper

Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.

A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.

I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke

Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour

Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat

I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?

In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!

Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.

* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping

With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line

When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.

“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”

-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant

You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.

is losing your mind a hobby?

McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”

Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it

It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.

There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.

Being brave is overrated.

Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.

Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS

*Pillow Talk

my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire

Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.

Can’t stop laughing

This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.

If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.

COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?

ME: She’s my wife

MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]

Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.

I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.

Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.

It has been years and it never stops being funny.

they should invent a rest for the wicked

Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”