#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
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Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
First grade soccer is actually so exciting, like one player just grabbed a couple of sticks and started rubbing them together at midfield to try and start a fire
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
Zombies started running in movies and life has been chaotic since
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.