Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.

sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”

Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.

Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.

If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard

*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*

Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.

Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.

I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.

I don’t know which is worse, people stealing your tweets or people not stealing your tweets.

earlier I was standing in a queue to get into a show with my producer and she pointed at someone and said, “that’s Gerard Butler” and I sort of did a friendly wave at him, because I didn’t know who Gerard Butler was and I thought he was maybe one of her friends

[my first day as a mechanic]

customer: i need an oil change

me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change

My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.

My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.

#Caturday

Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.

You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.

The fastest mammal on earth is me when I’m retweeting your typo tweet.

Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.

Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.

hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)

Black Friday through the years:

2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July

Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect

Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.

[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy

I got mad at a rock today.

I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.

Now there are two rocks.

Send help. Now.

[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]

(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name

casting director: whenever you’re ready

me: the name’s bond… james bond

casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns

me: no

We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch

A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.

I felt a fool.

Everyone else was wearing clothes.