Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pescatarian is a beautiful name for a baby

on da cob, we all corn

Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”

Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.

A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.

My maternal instincts have never been so confused.

Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.

I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.

Or help them move.

If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.

Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.

Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.

i’m a 10 but in the psych ward i’m a 13.

[college career fair]

Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*

pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.

HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”

I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25

I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.

launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076

ODE TO TWITTER

🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶

Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.

HER: I’m breaking up with you..

ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !

When you pick your nose after dusting the house

nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here

My car broke down between the marina and the Hallmark store.

Now, I’m stuck between a dock and a card place.

“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.

Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥

The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.

USA: …

World: right?

USA: …

World: RIGHT?

USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys

*gets into trouble*

Trouble: Wrong hole.

I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.

[mysterious British man rescues me]

Me: How?

Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.