Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.

Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.

What’s the difference between bird flu and swine flu? Bird flu requires tweetment; swine flu requires oinkment.

Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out

inside you there are two whales, one is a whale, the other is also a whale, as mentioned previously

Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.

Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.

I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…

why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.

bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul

edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO

If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?

[in class]

Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!

Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean

The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.

I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”

I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white

him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery

me: gotcha

[later]

me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*

If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.

me: *filling up my car with gas*

guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank

me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car

me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving

my kids: are ALL the presents for you

me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them

What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?

Payday

Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*

Phone: *ding*

Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?

Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.

Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else

Me: I love all the letters equally

I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.

I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.

*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*

OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.

interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?

me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time

A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I see

Mandalorian Number Five

me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there

me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark

I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs

Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.