Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
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*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
There are 2 kinds of twitter.