Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”

If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”

My name will always be Matt.

I wouldn’t mind weight fluctuations if it weren’t for the Pants of it all

Me: (exists)

Wasp: I have opinions about that

It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.

RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name

[Wedding Day]

FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!

ME: it’s always today, janet

Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry

[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all

people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground

5: Mom, look at me!

Me: I’m in the shower

5: Look at me!

Me: I can’t!

5: Because you’re in the shower?

Me: Yes!

5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!

just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”

Right, that’ll keep the plane spotters away from the bottom of the runway, next job…

Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.

Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.

Sachets away.

I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod

Most people think “as the crow flies” means ‘straight’, but it actually means ‘like an asshole.’

Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.

Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.

*puts dreamcatcher above bed*

“Sure hope this works”

*wakes up in the middle of the night*

*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*

“YES”

painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?

me: absolutely not

My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.

her: i’m leaving you
 
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
 
him: who ar- wait what

diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan

CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross

ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible

CROCODILE: Have they got a name?

ME: what

CROCODILE: What do you call them?

ME: uh

CROCODILE: SAY IT

I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?

Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in

If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.

Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind

If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?