Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.

I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.

My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.

Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music

If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.

we had to replace our dishwasher a few months ago and i genuinely had to argue with the store that i wanted the stupidest machine they had. there is not a single situation in the world in which my dishwasher needs wifi

king: the gods are angry with us

advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano

king: how would that hel—

advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button

ALIEN: What is “January”?

ME: That’s a month… named after a god

ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god

ME: Actually, he was a Roman

ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman

ME: Actually, that named after a number

ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10

ME: Actually, 8

ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit

An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist

yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.

I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour

My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’

With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.

Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.

Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.

SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment

ME: what if it’s sent by ship?

SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo

It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.

GOD: I call those trees and plants

ANGEL: very beautiful

GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them

ANGEL: dude who hurt you

Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.

ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…

Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.

me: i wonder what geese do at night

goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time

Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?

A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.

Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen

ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?

“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers

Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.

“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”