Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now

“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”

“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”

Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.

Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*

[at dinner]

Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*

Wife: What are you doing?

Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom

I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼‍♀️

*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*

Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.

Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.

Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this

What is love?

You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?

This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”

Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked

After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.

DOOO EEEET

Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*

Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?

I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.

“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean

I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”

Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁

When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”

They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.

My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!

I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.

One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again

Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.

Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.

Jan 3rd: World War III announced.

Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister

ah yes, the Supreme Court

a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream

The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.

Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.

God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm

Penguin: got it

God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost

Kangaroo: Love it

God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best

Bird: wait, what?

Toddler: I want toast

Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast

Husband: just tell her she already ate it

Me: you already ate your toast

Toddler: *eyes narrow*

Husband: you said it was yummy

Toddler: *walks away*

guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here

I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.

Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore