I’d always wondered what happen to those guys!
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i hate it when my pillow is not pillowing like it should. you have one job. be a pillow man. you are pillow. act like one ffs
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
Did you hear what happened when the local theater stopped paying the heat bill?
Coldplay.
Getting out of bed should count as resistance training
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
(in job interview)
my greatest strength is how quickly i can create a hostile work environment and my biggest weakness is that i love too deeply and im constantly befriending fake people. i have no experience as a barista.
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
the duality of man
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
“What’s your favourite childhood memory?”
Not paying bills.
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”