I’d always wondered what happen to those guys!
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i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
My wife texted me asking which rug would look best with our floors so now I’m frantically scrolling through her old texts hoping that at some point she’s texted pictures of what our floors look like.
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
Got kicked out of the gang for taking instant photos of the homies and calling them brolaroids