I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
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I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
This chloroform smells expensiv…
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…
Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.