I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
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If a woman has kids: should they not be at home looking after the kids
If a woman does not have kids: wow crazy cat lady
If a woman lures kids to her cottage made of gingerbread deep down in the woods: she’s a witch
Women can’t win
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
Fact: 80% of plane crashes happen in the first 3 minutes after takeoff or the last 8 minutes before landing. To make your flight safer, avoid being on a plane during those times.
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
*don’t make this weird
*don’t make this weird
*don’t make this weird“So, would you like to hear about my dead grandpa?”
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
Got upgraded to first class for the first time ever and it’s CRAZY. Free booze and brunch. Bigger TVs. Comfy seats with tons of room. An extra page in the safety manual that says in the case of a crash landing we’re entitled to eat the passengers in coach
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
August 8
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”