I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
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I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
Someone suggested I try online dating, but it’s like I’m already on twitter duh
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
I asked myself if I was the problem and we said no
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.