I’d be a terrible masseuse. After 5 minutes, I’d be like, “Okay, my turn.”
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When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
The most important meal of the day is the next one
keeping a picture of my bed in a locket around my neck and staring at it longingly on my lunch break
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
being depressed is funny because tons of movies stop making sense. like why is that guy trying so hard to stay alive. i cannot suspend disbelief