I’d be a terrible masseuse. After 5 minutes, I’d be like, “Okay, my turn.”
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Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
trying to win an argument online is sociopathic. i would concede anything to get a stranger to leave me alone.
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
Sorry I’m a week late. Had to scroll back to my birth year.
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta