I’d be a terrible masseuse. After 5 minutes, I’d be like, “Okay, my turn.”
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I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
Some people can start a task and then just finish it instead of trying to do a hundred things at once like a squirrel on crack
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
if a baby cow is a calf then a baby horse should be a half ok thank you i won’t be fielding anymore questions at this time.
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.