I’d be a terrible masseuse. After 5 minutes, I’d be like, “Okay, my turn.”
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I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
the red hot silly peppers
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!