I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
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Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
Flowers bee like
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
i hope my email finds you on fire
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
I’m quiet and not good at confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi: Beth & Greg, Why The Fuck Did You Have To Get A Rooster?
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??