I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
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Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
look bro it’s not gay, i just wanna sleep nestled into your arm because it allows me to angle my head at the perfect 37 degree angle that relieves my nasal congestion
is getting good sleep gay now
is it homosexual to be alert in normal daylight hours
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
For the record, saying somebody of the same sex is handsome or pretty or attractive does not make you seem gay at all, but prefacing that statement with “I’m not gay but…” kinda does