I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
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The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
Gross negligence implies the existence of tasteful negligence
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
This is why I hate group projects
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’