i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
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wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
Just got revenge on someone who wronged me 6 Years ago. Never be Relaxed ever. I’m coming
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
my dad has had enough
I wish I could call my dad’s therapist and be like “hey what exactly are you working on over there???”
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
My neighbor’s kid said hi but I couldn’t think of his name and said “Hi son of John” like some biblical dude
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.