i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
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*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
I asked the waiter how he was doing, and he told me all about his bad gas and hemorrhoids. Ugh, that’s the last time I go to TMI Friday’s.
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
Alexa, make me look good naked.
Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired