Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.

Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.

*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet

that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down

Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.

That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.

*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*

My uncle works for a company that makes bicycle wheels.

He’s the Spokesman.

Me: Ah-woooo!

The Moon: [swipes left]

Baseball is weird in that you directly supply to your opponent the opportunity to score against you

I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.

Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.

I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.

Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?

Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.

me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me

student: professor?

me: shit

Wife: this is how monsters are made

Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.

Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…

DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!

6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*

Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?

6: My boyfriend.

Me: Give it back.

Me: how are you

Friday: good

My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.

Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?

[assigning roles]

god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth

sun: sounds good

god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves

moon: hell yes

Me: I’ll never be like my parents

Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!

3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!

Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??

7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!

I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.

October already? What’s next? November????

Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*

Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*

Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*

Meow

Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.