Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wtf is a larm clock?

boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus

me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator

[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that

Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes

Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.

Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.

[house hunting]

ME: I can see us settling down here

REALTOR: oh you have a family?

ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet

Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.

Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time

Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.

I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.

I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.

#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness

‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms

It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.

*sips wine*

”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are

JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?

“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”

“is there a difference?”

“na”

thanks auntie mary

Me: Nothing like a grimey motel on a road trip. You can hit the shower first.

Friend: *later* First time I’ve taken a shower and came out dirtier than when I went in.

“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”

“DAD?!”

[next day]

“Where you going with that broom handle?”

“Checkin for squirrels”

My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”

Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?

Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?

Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.

Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.

I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are

I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.

I took biscuits with me on a date once.

She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.

haunted house: get. out.

me: (telling spicy gossip) right?

“You saw nothing.”

-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash

casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet

Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad