I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
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so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
No babe, they’re not short jorts, they’re junderwear.
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency