Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual

wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range

Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now

7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?

Me: Here just use this Captain America

4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME

*Adorns new baby with:

Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*

They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!

You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.

court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.

Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.

-me getting pulled over

Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.

This recipe takes only 30 minutes.

3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.

FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised

Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.

1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent

That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.

Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?

My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.

I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.

Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol

~App developers probably

I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.

If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.

-Everyone at my job.

I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.

I would love to have children one day. Two days maximum

I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.

That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring

“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”

{Me to my dogs}

No more table scraps.

(5 seconds later)

Here you go.

You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.

“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.

Bill is short for Billiam

Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?

Me: no, I’m not ugly