I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
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EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?