I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
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I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
me and the Superbowl rn
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
there are people who know when to reply all and when not to reply all and none of them work at your company
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*