I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
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Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
Do y’all watch the results come or do you go to bed around now and wait to see what Democracy Claus left you in the morning?
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
Why did they call it painting your toenails and not graffeeti
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.