I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
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“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
having children is a pyramid scheme.
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
Pee pressure > peer pressure
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off