I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
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A lot of folks out there missing the point…
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
Just ordered me some pizza!
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?
9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.
Me: ok..
9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma
Me: ok so
9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
This is so messed up and I love it 🤣
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
Passwords are more important than ever.
