I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
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Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
Still my favorite headline of all time:
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents